Research on online romance:
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Saturday, May 05, 2001
With regards to "dual personalities" ... I think this tends to depend on whether our perceptions are being clouded by certain expectations or preconceptions, that is, if the other person is not actively pretending to be different. It might be all in our heads.
In any case, we seem to have a habit of trying to generalise the nature of relationships - online or off. We are probably forgetting that people are individuals, and that while with a particular person a relationship might feel too fast, it might feel too slow with another.
I think the success of transferring online relationships into 'real life' depends on much more than whether the online conversations felt real and true to each person's personalities. Putting it bluntly, you have to be able to be comfortable with the other person's real life habits and mannerisms, all of which you have no means of experiencing over an online situation. For example, you may think that the other person thinks the same as you do, but whether they would leave the dirty dishes in the sink when you prefer to have a sparkling clean kitchen, remains to be seen. It's often the little things which cause unrest - and whether the other person is committed enough in the relationship to help fix these differences. <speaks from experience />
Love isn't the fuzzy feeling that disappears after a few months into a relationship. That's infatuation. Passion is, again, something else. Love is a conscious choice whereby you choose to put the other's welfare on par or above your own; it is a commitment you make for the one you care strongly about, and not always a smooth ride.
posted by S T 14:07*
Thursday, April 26, 2001
Here is a very belated link to Ev's take on online romance.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately - as usual. I've come to the conclusion that the online thing is not so different from the offline one. It's mainly a question of emphasis on different aspects. Let's see.
I'm convinced that the way to a fulfilling relationship rests in taking things slowly. Nowadays, people tend to rush into relationship, intimacy, engagement. People don't really take the time to get to know each other before deciding they are going to "make it work". We have all experienced that relationships (non-romantic ones) tend to go "faster" online. My opinion is that this "rush to engagement" or "rush to intimacy" trend in romantic relationships is accentuated online.
As was noted in an earlier post, online puts the emphasis on the mind, and offline on the physical side. People tend to rush into physical intimacy offline (like having sex straight away because that's the way you're supposed to do it now that you're allowed to) - and they rush into emotional intimacy online (because of what we could call the "screening effect", people tend to pour their lives out and share their "dark side" much faster online than offline).
Attraction, or "falling in love" (depending on your definition of "falling in love") is mostly due to what you fantasize about the other. Sure, there is an initial "thing" that draws you towards him/her - appearance, mind, an attitude, a word or a smile - but the "mushy feeling" is often a lot of projection. You imagine that you'll be happy with him/her. You imagine you will get what you want. You think he/she is the guy/gal of your dreams. All that at an unconscious level, of course. How many couples end up looking back, after breaking up, and realize that the person they fell in love with has so little to do with the one they broke up with?
Whether you are online or offline, there is space for projection. But there is more of it online. Because the channel you have to connect with the other is more restricted.
Here are a few interesting articles I've gathered for your reading. I might have mentioned The Psychology of Cyberspace already - the articles listed here are excerpts of this online book.
- Chat transcript
- A panel of personalities discuss online romances under the moderation of Dr. Suler. See the announcement page for more information.
- Interview
- In this short interview, Dr. Suler answers some general questions about cyberspace romances. Are they "real", are they dangerous, what characterizes them?
- The Final Showdown Between In-Person and Cyberspace Relationships
- Comparison of the respective qualities of online and offline relationships, exploring the five senses, and what is needed in a relationship.
- Hypotheses about Online Text Relationships
- So how do text relationships work? What are the pros and cons? Dr. Suler gathers a list of hypotheses about text-driven online relationships.
- Transference Among People Online
- This short article offers some explanation about the "transference" or "projection" process. Be sure to check out Mom, Dad, Computer for a much more detailed explanation of the phenomenon.
posted by Tara Star 22:00*
Friday, February 23, 2001
I have lived through many online "fantasies." You meet someone via AOL, IRC or ICQ and strike up a conversation that may last a few hours or even months. Unfortunately (or fortunately) a physical being is much different than its online presence. Due to the fact that people feel hidden or protected through their online persona they often act differently than they would in person. I always find this to be the most difficult part of meeting folks online and then trying to transition into a real life relationship.
So how do we avoid this problem of dual personalities? I believe my online personality and real-life personalities are identical, but that is a direct result of not trying to cloak myself online. How can we determine if the person on the other end of an online romance will be the same person when you are face to face?
posted by Dean H. Saxe 13:50*
Thursday, February 15, 2001
Here is a detailed article on e-romance that might give you some inspiration, and the mefi discussion about it...
posted by Tara Star 10:52*
Friday, February 02, 2001
i suppose fantasy is a big part of it, as john gray says. did anyone else think that he seemed to be saying that it was only relevant to men? i'm sure women fantasize as well. one time on icq i "met" an australian handyman and chatted for a bit. in my mind he was a young, handsome, muscular guy in tight jeans with a sexy australian accent. of course, it's always possible that he's really a middle-aged fat, balding, beer guzzler with plumber's crack, i'll never know. i suppose that i would rather leave it up to my mind's interpretation in this case, because the fantasy makes it more fun to chat with him. if i were thinking about actually meeting with him someday, it may be different...
posted by sarah 04:57*
Wednesday, January 24, 2001
What do you think of John Gray's take on this question?
posted by Tara Star 15:35*
Friday, January 19, 2001
many people tend to place more emphasis on either mental chemistry or physical chemistry, and they argue their point well for either case. personally, i believe neither is more important than the other.
relationships require a bit of effort for things to work out over time. with a good balance of mental and physical chemistry, the effort isn't as great. but if either comes out short, it really depends on how hard people are willing to work for their relationship to last.
online, mental chemistry has the upper hand. it is easy to develop a relationship with great mental chemistry. physical chemistry, on the other hand, becomes a matter of chance. you become hooked on a person's mind, and all you can do is hope that someday, if you ever meet in person, you will be as attracted physically as you are mentally.
physical chemistry is more than just seeing a person's photo. it's body language; how your body reacts to the person's touch, smell, gestures and facial expressions, how they hold themselves, etc.
it is fascinating how similar an online romance is to a "real life" romance, where one focuses more on the physical and leads to the mental, where the other works in reverse. both can lead to love an happiness, or to heartbreak. it is all a matter of chance. isn't it wonderful?
posted by sarah 01:04*
Tuesday, January 02, 2001
online relationships work in reverse. you get to know someone's mind, you become attracted to the way they think, their 'mannerisms', the things they say, and then you'll see a picture of them, hear them on the phone, agree to meet, and bang.
romance.
i think it works better this way. it's all well and good if you're physically attracted to someone; but if there's no mental chemistry, it won't last.
posted by d 22:21*
Sunday, December 31, 2000
Maybe the question that should be asked is what is it that first attracts you to chat with a person online. Does it happen by chance? How many people remember what the first few sentences of a current online friendship were? For me I hardly remember how I got to meet someone with whom I have developed a real close friendship over the past 3 years. I have a vague recollection of the chat room -- I forgot the name of the chat room too -- (3 years back the chat thing hadn't exploded as now!!). I don't remember what my alias was or what her's was either. It just turned out that we exchanged email address' that day and we haven't stopped writing ever since. In my case I would say most of my online friends happened by chance. I wasn't looking for anyone in particular or any particular kind of person. Most of the time, in hindsight, I cannot answer a straight forward question as to why I asked her a question or replied to a question from her. I feel there was an element of fortune in all my online friendships. I just happened to be around and lucky. On another day at another place I wouldn't have chatted with them. Does everyone feels this way too?
Which brings me to Tara's point that the human being is a package of interdependent attributes and the channel of perception differs in an online v/s offline medium. I agree with you and to that point I have to say that what you see in another person is biased by the channel through which you observe. This corroborates Jena's statement that a rather attractive person in one medium (visual) turns out to be unattractive in another (chat). In that sense online relationships are not fundamentally different from normal relationships -- it just another channel and a pretty fast one that too. The internet has simply made it possible to start and carry on a relationship with someone thousands of miles away, which hitherto was nearly impossible to sustain over a long period of time. In a way I can look beyond my backyard now.
So do we need to discuss online relationships as a separate area of study, something different from normal relationships? I don't think so. It is is the same old wine in a new bottle.
posted by N. A. 06:17*
Saturday, December 30, 2000
Answering N. A.:
I agree with you about the "intellectual" and "physical" level. But what about the "emotional" level?
It is sometimes practical to cut up human beings into physical, intellectual, emotional sides, but the frontiers are not watertight. The "intellectual" or "mental" side of people you get to see on the net is not totally independant from their "physical" and "emotional" self. All these sides interact and contribute to forming one another.
I would rather say that it is the "channel" that you get to see the person through that changes. Instead of seeing the other first through his/her body, it is through his/her mind.
What do you think of this?
posted by Tara Star 16:16*
Friday, December 29, 2000
For some reason, lately it has been hard for me to put down my thoughts on the online relationship subject. Which is rather funny considering I am in a rather serious one myself. So I will apologize up front if I am not very coherant. First of all, yes, I do think it is easier to fall in love with someone online. For much of the same reasons mentioned below. Given that the person is not fabricating a life, you are first exposed to their mind. The issue of looks, doesn't factor in until either party feels it is time. Sometimes I find it humourous, when men online want to send you a picture of themselves. You find out they are rather attractive, and then discover as a person they are very ugly.
This year, I have come to the conclusion, that if you are serious about the person you meet online, and the relationship you want to have, you have to take it outside of the internet. Talking on the telephone is a big step, at least it was for me. It seemed to make things a little more, solid. Also, we had begun to send letters via snail mail to one another. I think this helped as well.
(I guess it is going to be easy to see, I will be pointing towards the relationship I am currently involved in. I hope that my from experience objective won't seem too biased.)
I have already experienced on a friendship level, the shock of seeing someone in person. You really do have to rebuild what you built up online. The true test of the friendship is, if the rediscovery goes well, and with comfort.
posted by J .. 18:32*
And here are some of my random thoughts on online Relationships....
I don't agree it is easier to "Fall in Love" online, though it is easier to become very friendly very soon. This is certainly due to the fact that people are more comfortable being anonymous. Its like "offline" dating (i.e the real thing!!) with masks on, so you never really see the other person, but only to hear what he/she has to say. Consequently, online relationships expose both parties to each others intellect (or lack of) before they expose each other to other physical attributes. This is radically different from "offline" relationships, where physical attributes are often the preliminary driving force. The attraction in online relationships is therefore more at a intellectual level than at a physical level. The intellectual curiousity eventually does lead to physical curiousity and the favorable results in both is an important factor in determining if the relationship will be turned into Love etc.
posted by N. A. 16:17*
OK, so to get us started, here are a few random thoughts of mine on online relationships.
I think it is easier to "fall in love" online. You see, "falling in love" has a lot to do with the projection of an ideal, a "dream guy/gal" on the other person. That can happen much easier on the net, because what we see of the other is "filtered" through a limited channel: text.
I do believe, however, that it is possible to get to know somebody well through the net. But there can be surprises. Exchanging pictures, and talking on the phone minimizes the risk of a "bad surprise".
I also think that when meeting "in real life" (IRL) the "shock" of seeing the incarnated other can make the relationship regress. You suddenly get the feeling that you are face-to-face with a stranger, and you have to rebuild part of what you had already built online.
posted by Tara Star 02:37*
Welcome to this online romance discussion group! I hope you'll find it interesting.
Please stick <p>...</p> tags around your paragraphs (and use <br> for line breaks). If you don't feel like closing your <p>s, that's ok, but please put the opening tag at the beginning of the paragraph. Or it will f*** up my CSS. And I'll have to go and edit your post to correct it.
I won't make you use capital letters, though... *wink*@waferbaby.
Just feel free to chime in and add your pinch of salt to what is going on (let's try to stay on-topic). If you would like to join the project, you can email Tara.
posted by Tara Star 01:53*
Ce site aura l'air bien plus 
